


if you tear off my wings, i'll build new ones

by croissantbleu



Series: forced landings [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Career Ending Injuries, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, Pro Volleyball Player Hinata Shouyou, Pro Volleyball Player Miya Atsumu, Walking Canes, hinata learns to stop being stubborn and ask for help, it sounds so depressing i promise it is. mostly okay, kinda? i guess?, miya atsumu learns to be a person and a friend, no graphic descriptions of the injuries you are safe here, pro volleyball player
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:06:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22927681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/croissantbleu/pseuds/croissantbleu
Summary: Hinata Shouyou is in love with Miya Atsumu, and he’s in love with flying.He already lost one, and he’s worried that might mean losing the other too.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Series: forced landings [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1669057
Comments: 23
Kudos: 284





	if you tear off my wings, i'll build new ones

Hinata Shouyou’s life is pretty straightforward. He has an apartment in Shimokitazawa, above a charity shop that is never not busy. He gets to play with people and friends he admires in the MSBY Black Jackals team. He may or may not have a growing crush on one of said teammates, but that is something he’s slowly dealing with. He goes home to visit his family multiple times a year for birthdays and other celebrations - and he might be 23, but his mum always makes sure he goes back with his bag full of food he has to share with everyone because there’s no way he could get through it all on his own. Every time, she makes him promise to bring rice balls from Onigiri Miya when he visits next, and every time he tells her they still don’t have a Tokyo branch, but it’s like she chooses not to listen. Maybe he’ll have to get Atsumu to ask his brother for a favour, if he gets the occasion. It’s everything he could have dreamed of.

He might be taking a few days away for his mum's birthday, but that doesn't mean he's slacking off on his training - coach would kill him, but it’s not as if he ever knew how to slow down anyways. He leaves early in the morning, almost too early by his standards, biking for an hour and a half before turning around, and he’s back in time for breakfast. He goes for a run at night, before it gets dark so he won’t risk running into a boar, and dribbles with the ball his mum mysteriously has around. Natsu helps with sending him the ball for a while when she feels like it, and it takes him back to when she was barely a kid so much, he misses it once or twice. She makes fun of him for it, and Shouyou pretends he doesn’t know she has his official posters hidden in a corner of her room.

Today is the same. It rained the night before but the roads look dry enough that he won’t run into any trouble when he leaves before anyone else is awake, the air crisp and biting against his cheeks. It’s easy to form routines and fall back into them, he thinks, but he’d argue it’s a good thing: it saves him the energy of having to make new decisions all the time. Atsumu would agree. Bokuto wouldn’t. That’s why they’re good friends. Atsumu would disagree with him saying they’re friends at all, but he still goes along with Bokuto most of the time. That’s friendship.

He likes biking. He doesn’t have to think, he can just let his mind wander off wherever it wants while still building his strength and stamina, and he likes the burn of the cold air in his lungs. He misses it when he’s in Tokyo, how easy it is to breathe out here. He didn’t notice at first, but now it’s on his mind a lot. He misses the silence and the trees and the clear night skies.

He likes biking. He doesn’t have to think, but it’s easy to let his attention fizzle away with his thoughts, and by the time he notices, the bike doesn’t answer to him anymore.

He likes biking. Until he’s lying in a puddle in the shade, pain echoing throughout his body infinitely.

He doesn’t process half of what the doctors tell him, when he wakes up in the hospital, apparently hours later. His brain is fuzzy, and he vaguely hears them say something about a concussion, broken shoulder and knee that explain the faint pain radiating along the right side of his body. They’re saying something else about his knee, but his eyes are closing again before he can untangle the words and put them back in order.

His brain isn’t fuzzy anymore, but he wishes it was. He doesn’t want to hear. 

He’s suffered heavy injuries, they say. 

His shoulder and his knee were in bad shape already, they say, something about his ACL and rotator cuff risking a tear from playing volleyball so much, and now they also count fractures. 

They’ll have to wait until he recovers to be sure, they say, but it doesn’t look good. 

It doesn’t look good, they say with infinite pity in their eyes. 

Shouyou remembers that look from anyone who’s ever told him he was too short to play volleyball. He hates it. He wants to pretend he doesn’t understand what any of this means, but he can’t, not when his mother is looking at him with such a devastated expression on her face, like someone just told her the world was ending. 

Okay, he says. 

I understand, he says. 

Thank you, he says, like he isn’t fighting back tears with everything he has.

He refuses to cry. If he does, that means it’s real. But as long as he doesn’t, he can still hold onto the thought like his life depends on it, that maybe it’s a misunderstanding, maybe they’ll come back and say he’s going to be just fine, maybe it’s not over yet, maybe… maybe he hasn’t lost yet.

The doctors come back, but they don't say any of that. Of course they don't. Shouyou doesn't hear the details, it's like his brain filters them all out. He doesn’t want to hear them. All he gets is that his shoulder and knee are good as gone, right now, and they’re talking about months of recovery time, which is what he would’ve expected if he had been able to think about this rationally.

All he thinks about is the feeling in his legs when he jumped the highest he could at the end of a game.

He has to stay with his mum and his sister for a bit once he gets out of the hospital, at least until he gets used to the cast and only being able to use one arm. He misses Tokyo. He can’t stand the atmosphere, heavy with things left unsaid. His phone keeps ringing. He doesn’t answer it. It stops after a couple days, but he hears his mother talking with Daichi, explaining the situation and asking him to spread the word around to the others. Shouyou is grateful. He doesn’t think he can handle this discussion right now.

Coach Ukai shows up, one day. He hears him at the door from his room. He lets Natsu excuse him and say he’s asleep, that recovery is tiring him out a lot.

He thinks it’s been days since he slept properly. 

He just doesn’t want to think about volleyball.

His mum worries. His sister worries. He doesn't like it, so he puts on a front. Says he's fine, just tired. He goes to the doctor's appointments, he goes to physical therapy, he makes sure they see he's fine. He's not, but he just wants them to think he is. 

He insists on going back to Tokyo as soon as he can use his arm a little bit again, says he doesn’t want to bother them any longer and he has to get used to everything on his own as well. And he can only push all the thoughts aside for so long, he can feel them beginning to bubble up to the surface, and he really doesn’t want to be near anyone when it all comes crashing down. His mum agrees, if reluctantly, but he smiles and says he’ll be fine. Ennoshita’s there, and he’s a physical therapist now, he can go see him instead. He promises to call as soon as he gets there.

The way back is a pain, having to use a crutch because his leg is in a cast while his arm is still in a sling, but he keeps it together, grits his teeth and keeps going. It’s not like he has much of a choice, anyway.

He chats for two minutes or three with the owner of the charity shop downstairs when she sees the state he’s in, and she tries to convince him to let her bring him some soup later. She says he reminds her of her grandson. Shouyou is flattered. He smiles, says thank you but it’s alright, and he’s sorry but he really has to go home now. 

He fumbles with his keys for a while before he finally manages to open the door, vision blurring as soon as he closes it behind it and he bites his lip, hard. He lets his keys hit the ground, then his bag, and his chest is so heavy it hurts to breathe. It was almost easy to pretend to forget about it with his family, because he had over things going on around him, but now that he’s back here, there are no distractions anymore, and it’s starting to really sink in.

Now… what? 

He’s never had to ask himself that before, never had to think about it - since the day he saw the Little Giant play on TV, his future was good as set in stone: starting volleyball, going to Karasuno, making it as a pro player… he’s never thought about what would come  _ after _ that. 

What would come after he couldn’t play anymore.

It’s not like it’s been easy. He knew from the beginning he’d have to fight with everything he had, and more, to even get the same chances as other players. He had to jump higher, run faster, have more stamina, read and predict plays better than anyone else, and improve, improve,  _ improve _ at a faster rate too, because the others would all keep growing and he couldn’t afford to be left behind.

He chokes on his breath and presses a hand against his mouth, like that’s going to contain the sobs he feels building in his chest, ready to tear him apart. He’s in pain, and he’s tired, and angry, and frustrated, and it  _ hurts _ and he wants to scream until he rips out his vocal chords. It’s not fair, not after all he’s done to get where he was, not after the hours and hours of training, not after pushing back his limits time and time again, not after he finally got to a place where he could fly like he wants to - it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not  _ fair _ !

It’s not fair.

He finds Kenma on his doorstep the next day, when he drags himself out of bed to go get the mail that has been piling up.

“Your mum said you were back,” Kenma says when he opens the door. “Figured I’d come say hi.”

It is nice to see a friendly face, Shouyou has to admit, but he would take anything over thinking about volleyball right now.

“Thank you,” he says, and he means it. “Sorry, I was about to leave, you caught me at a bad time…”

“I can wait until you’re back,” Kenma shrugs. “It’s not a problem.”

Shouyou considers his options. He’s tired. Kenma is stubborn. He opens the door wider and steps aside. 

“Thank you,” Kenma smiles as he walks in, as much as Kenma usually smiles so barely a little. “I brought games and food. Thought you’d rather not cook with your arm like that.”

“You weren’t wrong,” Shouyou closes the door behind him. “I appreciate it.”

“Sure.”

Shouyou goes to make tea while Kenma starts up the game, handing him a controller when he comes back. They don’t talk much, really they barely say anything at all, but Shouyou doesn’t mind. Kenma always gets really invested when he’s playing, and Shouyou appreciates that he went out of his way to come and cheer him up. They don’t talk about volleyball. It’s nice.

“You said my mum called you?” he asks during a loading screen.

“No exactly,” Kenma says. “She called Daichi but he’s out of town today, so he told Kuro who told me. So here I am. Thought you wouldn’t want everyone barging in all at once.”

“You’re right,” Shouyou scratches his leg. The cast is a nightmare of itchiness. “That would have been a lot. I’m not sure everyone would even fit in here,” his laugh sounds forced.

Kenma looks at him like his face is a puzzle he’s trying to solve, before humming evasively and looking back at the screen, that has finished loading. Shouyou finishes his tea and brings out the food Kenma brought. 

Kenma says he’ll come again soon, hours later when he’s standing in the doorway, and that of course Shouyou is welcome to stop by whenever. 

Shouyou wonders if he’s gotten boring.

Shouyou hates physical therapy. It hurts, it’s tiring, and it just reminds him of when he didn’t have to put himself through that every week. But it’s Ennoshita, so he doesn’t complain. Not too much, at least. Ennoshita tries to make him talk, though, and he’s the first to be surprised when he finds he just… can’t. He doesn’t know what to say. His thoughts are all jumbled in his head and he doesn’t know where to start untangling them. Even if he could, he’s fairly sure he would immediately start crying the moment he’d open his mouth, so, he doesn’t really try. He doesn’t want anyone to worry about him.

The doctors said they were going to take off his cast soon and put him in a brace instead, and if he’s glad to be getting rid of that hell after a month, he’s not looking forward to training his leg as well, now. Ennoshita is nice and all, but he’s ruthless when it comes to his job. It’s a good thing, Shouyou supposes. But he’s tired, deeply tired, and in pain. Ennoshita tells him he would be in less pain if he just took the medication the doctors have prescribed him. Ennoshita is right. Shouyou thinks if the pain is gone, he’ll have nothing else to focus on at night when he can’t sleep, except the way his future and dreams vanished right in front of him. 

He didn’t even get hurt on the court. 

Somehow, this makes it all so much worse.

When he gets home after yet another physical therapy session, the only thing on his mind is passing out on his bed, preferably for upwards of 24 hours. But he finds a pile of mail on his doorstep, and a note from the owner of the charity shop downstairs saying a few people came by while he wasn’t there so she told them to leave it by his door and that she’d make sure nobody would steal it. She also added a soup container to the pile. Shouyou thinks he has to remember to get her cake next week, she’s always saying her husband and her love cake, but never take the time to get any. 

He pushes it all inside with the end of his crutch and shuts the door closed behind him before letting himself slide against the wall until he’s sitting down. He finds it more comfortable to have his leg lying flat on the floor than at an awkward angle when he’s in a chair. He puts the soup container to the side and grabs the next thing under it. 

It’s an envelope with Sugawara’s name on it and filled with a few pieces of paper folded in half, and his vision blurs a little when he reads the note inside, that says that a few of the kids in Sugawara’s class are interested in sports and volleyball and heard about his injury so they insisted on making him drawings so he’d feel better. He can barely see the drawings through his tears, but he carefully puts them aside. He’ll have to call Sugawara to thank him later. 

The next thing is a copy of the new issue of the manga magazine Akaashi and Udai work with, that he hasn’t had time to buy yet for the simple reason that it just came out - he doesn’t tend to read manga all that much, but he reads this one so he can support them. There’s a little note at the end of the chapter, written by both of them about how their friend got hurt and they wish him a quick recovery. He cries a little again. He thinks he’s going to die of dehydration and it will be their fault.

The last thing is a box with Kageyama’s name on it. Kageyama is the last person he wants to hear from right now. It’s not against him but, since he started playing with the Black Jackals, they haven’t won a match against the Adlers yet. He’s never won against Kageyama, and now he never will. Kageyama knows that. Shouyou opens the box to find a fruit basket, with no signs of a note anywhere. He appreciates it more than he expected to.

He wipes his tears on his shirt and pushes himself up, grabbing the soup to go put it in the fridge.

His cast is taken off a few days later. Ennoshita gives him a knee brace and a cane to use for support. He tosses the cane in a corner of the room when he gets home. He’d rather withstand the pain than admit he needs one. Maybe he’s too stubborn for his own good, but maybe he doesn’t care.

Natsu is still calling him every evening, like she has since he went back, even if they rarely talk for long. Shouyou knows it’s just her way of keeping an eye on him from afar and making sure he’s alright, but he does like listening to her talk about her day and how school is going. She complains about English class, he complains about physical therapy. Somehow, that’s the only thing that seems normal to him right now.

He’s still avoiding talking to anyone else. He called everyone to thank them for the gifts and attention, and he really did mean it more than they probably imagine, but it’s still… strange, talking to them. Kenma is still coming around every once in a while though, and it’s still not the same as before, but it’s nice of him to be there. 

He called coach Ukai the other day, too. He apologized for not reaching out sooner. Ukai said it was alright, he understood, and he hoped Shouyou was doing okay. Shouyou said he was. 

Shouyou hated how easily the lie rolled off his tongue, and the bitter taste it left behind.

He feels awful about the whole situation. He’s an adult. It has been way over a month. He should be getting over it, at least starting to, but it feels like he’s still stuck in the same place he was in the beginning, and he just doesn’t see the end of it. This kind of thinking is so unlike him it frustrates him until he wants to put his head through a wall, but he’s not sure he has what it takes to get out of this unending cycle.

He doesn’t know how to get better. He doesn’t know if he  _ can  _ get better. 

He expects Kenma when he opens the door, because Kenma is the only one who ever comes around. He has managed to convince the owner of the charity shop downstairs to stop bringing him soup. It isn’t Kenma. It’s Atsumu, standing there like he doesn’t know what he’s doing here. Shouyou thinks he forgot how beautiful he is. He very nearly closes the door in his face out of surprise, but he catches himself on time. Atsumu might be the last person he wants seeing him like this, but he still has some manners.

“Hi,” Atsumu says.

“Hi,” Shouyou replies, before remembering how to act like a proper human being. “Come in,” he adds, stepping to the side.

He’s glad he’s been keeping his flat in order, he’s embarrassed enough as it is. He offers tea. Atsumu declines. Shouyou makes him some anyways because he has to do something. Atsumu smiles and thanks him.

“Sorry for intruding without warning you,” Atsumu says, blowing air on his cup. “I thought if I asked beforehand you would find a reason to back out.” 

Shouyou bites his cheek to hold back a grimace. He isn’t wrong. He tells him that.

“Figured,” Atsumu grins again, and there’s a weird sensation in Shouyou’s chest that isn’t  _ just  _ because he has a crush on him. “Got your address from Bokuto. He says hello, he wasn’t sure you’d want to see him.”

Shouyou feels like the worst person on the planet. Bokuto is his friend, he should want to hang out. But he doesn’t. He briefly thinks about crawling under the table and staying there forever.

“Not that he’s mad about it or anything, y’know,” Atsumu continues. “He just doesn’t want to rush you, and same goes for the others too. So, don’t feel too bad about it,” he pats his shoulder with enough strength that it doesn’t feel like pity.

It’s nice. 

It’s odd.

“Why are you doing all this, then?” 

Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. Maybe it’s rude. Atsumu doesn’t seem to think it is. He shrugs.

“You’re stubborn as hell, that’s hardly news, but I think I can beat you on that front. And, it’s not like we’re going to stop being friends just because you’re not playing,” he shrugs again. Shouyou vaguely wonders if that’s the only gesture he knows. “So unless you really want me gone, I’m not that easy to get rid of.” 

It’s uncharacteristic of Atsumu to be so straight-forward when he usually speaks in subtext and teasing, but Shouyou finds he doesn’t really mind the change. He can tell Atsumu is making a point to be clear in what he says so there is no way for him to misunderstand his intentions. He thinks that would be enough to make him fall for the guy if that hadn’t already happened a while ago.

That doesn’t mean he’s not going to be annoying, though.

“Aw, what, did I hear you say we’re friends?” he cracks a smile, a little less forced than they usually are these days. Atsumu takes a sip of his tea in a move that looks suspiciously like a way to hide his face. Shouyou’s smile grows. “Man, it took you that long to warm up to us being teammates, and it only takes a career ending injury for you to call me a friend? If I’d known, I would have done it sooner.”

Atsumu makes a noise from the back of his throat, between a groan and a whine. It is way too rewarding to bother him. Shouyou thinks he might be slightly addicted to it.

“I’m trying to be nice, here,” Atsumu complains.

Shouyou would argue that he’s always nicer than he gives himself credit for, but decides against it. Maybe this is a discussion for another time. He pats his head instead, and revels in the surprised sound that draws from him. He’s like a cat. Shouyou is in love.

“I know, I know,” he says. “You’re doing great.”

Atsumu bats his hand away, all whines and protestations, but he looks like he’s having fun. Shouyou is having fun, he realizes. Maybe he missed this.

Atsumu stays for a little while longer before he eventually gets up to leave, assuring that he’ll see him again soon. Shouyou’s smile falls the second he closes the door behind him.

Seeing Atsumu hurts for different reasons than seeing Kenma hurts. Seeing Kenma reminds him of Karasuno and Nekoma and falling in love with volleyball more than he thought possible. Seeing Atsumu reminds him of the peak of his game and falling in love with his setter again. 

It reminds him of everything that could have been.

Souyou is not usually the pessimistic type, but he can’t help thinking he knows how things go. He might have had a chance while they were on the same team, but he knows most of Atsumu’s time is spent in practice, and if he can’t attend those anymore, it’s not like he’ll have many excuses to spend time with him. And he knows how much Atsumu loves volleyball, knows this hunger that pushes him forward, and he thinks, maybe, he can’t be interesting enough to be worth the effort. Atsumu would disagree, he’d tell him to stop the nonsense and that he’s not that obsessed with volleyball, but still, Shouyou doesn’t want to hold on to useless illusions.

He’s in love with Miya Atsumu, and he’s in love with flying. 

He already lost one, and he’s worried that might mean losing the other too.

Maybe he should stop answering the door, Shouyou thinks when he finds Kuroo, Bokuto, and Daichi on his doorstep just a few days later. They insist on taking him out for drinks. He thinks about his options, and decides he doesn’t have what it takes to turn them down. Besides, getting some fresh air and changing environments even for a few hours can’t really hurt, right?

Right. 

It’s a little awkward at first, but the vague tension disappears when none of them is quite sober anymore. Bokuto and Kuroo have entered an arm-wrestling competition that seems to just never end, neither of them really managing to outpower the other. Shouyou is watching them with interest when Daichi comes to sit next to him in the booth.

“Hanging in there?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Shouyou breathes out. “Yeah, I am.”

“That’s good,” Daichi drinks a little. “You know you can count on us if you need anything, right?”

He nods. “Thank you,” he smiles. 

He doesn’t tell him he can’t stand the idea of being more dependent on anyone else’s help.

“So, did Atsumu visit you?” Bokuto asks.

He seems to have won the arm-wrestling match while Shouyou wasn’t paying attention. What a shame. Kuroo is massaging his elbow. Shouyou wishes he’d seen it.

“He did,” he says. “Last Tuesday. Why?”

“He came to us for adv-” Bokuto is interrupted by Kuroo’s fist falling on his head. Shouyou frowns.

“He means he asked us for your address,” Daichi finishes helpfully. 

“Oh, right, he did mention that.”

Kuroo asks a question about Akaashi’s next project and Bokuto answers it, beaming with excitement, and the subject shifts before Shouyou even notices it. They talk about Akaashi, Kenma, and Sugawara. Shouyou is glad to hear news from everyone, and that they’re all doing well. He pushes aside the part of his mind that’s nagging him to talk about Atsumu. His heart is a little lighter.

It’s later than he thought when they walk outside, cold air sobering him up slightly, but his mind still feels a little fuzzy. It hurts less. Kuroo stumbles out behind him, Bokuto helping to keep him upright. Kuroo tends to drink a little too much, sometimes, on rare occasions. Bokuto would, too, but he has to stay mostly reasonable so he can play well. That, and Akaashi knows how to keep him in check. Daichi is in much better shape than the rest of them, as usual. Shouyou hasn’t figured out his trick yet, but he will. 

He misjudges the distance and trips on the edge of the pavement, vibrations reverberating up his leg and the sound of his shoe against the ground echoing through the night. It feels like his knee is about to be ripped away from the rest of his leg. He clenches his jaw so tight he thinks his teeth might fall off. He’s seeing white.

“... okay there?” he catches the end of Daichi’s sentence when the ringing in his ears subside.

He doesn’t know if he wants to scream or cry. He does neither.

“I’m fine,” he forces his mouth to open, and he hates how strained his voice sounds. “I’m just tired. Good thing I was about to go home.”

“Will you be okay going back?” Daichi asks.

Bokuto is oddly quiet. Shouyou doesn’t look at them. He’s choking on frustration, nails digging in the palm of his hand as a poor attempt to keep himself grounded.

“I’m fine,” he repeats, maybe more abruptly than he means to. “Walking is a good exercise, anyway,” he adds, making an effort to sound calmer. It's true, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell. “Thanks for inviting me tonight.”

He can tell Daichi isn’t convinced, but he lets it go, and they all say their goodbyes before parting ways. 

He forces his way forward, step after step. This is why he's supposed to use a cane, he thinks,but he's just too stubborn and too proud to admit it. At least he's wearing the brace. It is true that walking helps though, something about regaining mobility and strength - that is usually the part of Ennoshita's talk where he stops listening. He feels bad. He should listen to it all next time. 

By the time he makes it home, he can't tell if the tears in his eyes are the product of pain, frustration, or anger. A mix of all of these, most likely. He wipes his cheeks on his sleeve, abrupt gesture that leaves a faint burning sensation on the skin under his eyes, and pushes the feelings away, locking them deep into a box and throwing away the key.

He doesn’t want to deal with it.

He wants to sleep.

He gets a job at a store down the street. The owner knows him, Shouyou helped him a few months back when he had to move some furniture around. He thinks he’s going to completely lose his mind if he doesn’t have something to do, anything.

Atsumu has a bag of apples in hand when he shows up to Shouyou’s flat the next time. He’s so surprised that a laugh erupts out of his chest. He asks when Astumu decided to start a career as the evil godmother from Snow-White. Atsumu lightly hits him over the head with an apple and says they were on sale and he’d been wanting to bake a pie. Shouyou finds the image deeply endearing. He brings him apples again the next time. Shouyou doesn't question it. 

Ennoshita asks if he uses his cane like he’s supposed to. Shouyou thinks of the corner of the room where he threw it on the first day he got it, and where it still is. He thinks he’d rather cut his other leg off than have to rely on the cane. He says yes.

Natsu continues to call him every evening. He says she should visit, sometime, maybe over break or for her birthday? He can get her Bokuto’s autograph, he teases, and she accepts only if he can get her Sakusa’s as well. Shouyou thinks he can make that work.

Kenma continues to visit. Sometimes, Shouyou goes over to his and Kuroo’s. He goes out with Bokuto, Kuroo, and Daichi a couple more times. He feels himself slowly slipping into a routine.

He’s hanging in there.

He’s hanging in there.

Until he isn't. 

He doesn't know what game he's been playing all this time, but he can tell that he's losing. He should have expected it, probably, should’ve known that pushing things away only works for so long before it all comes crashing down on you like a tidal wave that drags you deep underwater.

He’s drowning.

Maybe he isn’t that surprised. But he would have preferred if Atsumu hadn’t been here when it inevitably hits.

“It’s getting late,” he says, walking out of the kitchen after putting empty cups away. 

Atsumu’s facing opposite of him, sitting on the floor because, of course he is. He keeps saying he’s more comfortable like that. Shouyou has no idea what he’s talking about, but he lets him do his thing. That’s always the best thing to do with him, anyways. 

“What, you’re already kicking me out? Now, that isn’t nice,” he feints a complaint, turning towards him. Something on Shouyou’s face must give his thoughts away, because the smile falls from Atsumu’s lips as soon as he sees him. “Hinata? Are you okay? Hey,” he stands up and walks over to him.

Shouyou doesn’t realize he’s crying until suddenly Atsumu’s hands are wiping the tears from his cheeks, gentle like he’s afraid he’d break under too much pressure.

“Sorry,” he doesn’t know why he’s laughing. “I’m fine.”

He tries to move back, but Atsumu keeps a hand on his cheek and moves the other to his shoulder. Shouyou thinks he wants the floor to swallow him. 

“You’re not fine,” Atsumu replies, serious like Shouyou has rarely seen him. “I think you haven’t been fine for a while, now.”

Shouyou is pretty sure that’s what does it, the pained and worried look in his eyes, because he blinks and the next breath he takes gets stuck in his throat when it turns into a sob, followed by another, and he can’t manage to stop them. Atsumu tugs him forward until he has both of his arms around his shoulders, and Shouyou finally gives in to the tears, holding onto Atsumu’s shirt like it’s a lifeline.

He doesn’t know how much time passes like this, but his throat is dry from erratic breathing and his face is so covered in tears, he can taste the salt on his lips. Atsumu doesn’t say anything, just holds him. Shouyou likes that better. He doesn’t need empty promises or words he’s heard a hundred times already. He just needs to be proven that he’s not as completely alone as he’s feeling. And Atsumu is here.

He takes a step back when Shouyou has calmed down and stopped hiccuping and gasping for air. He is exhausted. Atsumu looks at him for a second.

“Let’s make a pie,” he ends up saying.

Shouyou doesn’t know where this comes from. He agrees to it. He doesn’t want to talk about things - not now. He’s too tired.

Baking actually makes him feel better, even if he can't tell why. He doesn't really care that much. Atsumu smiles and pats him on the head once, twice, and he says it's nice to see him back. 

“Y’know,” Atsumu says while the pie is in the oven. “You really shouldn’t be keeping things in like that.”

Here it is again, the concerned crease between his brows when he looks at Shouyou. Shouyou doesn’t want people to worry about him.

“Don’t say you don’t want people to worry about you,” Atsumu’s voice rings, echoing his thoughts. How does he do it? “I know. You always want to show that you can stand on your own, that you don’t need anyone else. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed since high school,” Atsumu smiles and flicks him on the forehead. Shouyou internally swears revenge. “But, y’know? You don’t have anything to prove anymore. I… we know it. And you,” his index is back on Shouyou’s forehead, like he wants to physically push the thought into his brain, “You know you’re allowed to ask for help. So, do it. You never had an issue saying exactly what tosses you want, why’s this any different?” he asks, leaning back against the counter.

Shouyou crouches down to look into the oven so he doesn’t have to answer. He doesn’t know  _ what  _ to answer.

“I think it’s done,” he says instead. “Do you want to check?”

Atsumu hums in agreement and kneels down next to him. Shouyou decides to pretend the heat in his cheeks comes from the oven and not their proximity. 

“Yeah, it looks good now, I’ll get it out,” he reaches for the gloves and Shouyou moves out of the way.

“It smells really good,” he comments, contorting himself to try and peek.

"Get out of here," Atsumu gently bats his hand away. "You're not going to steal any of it. You aren't a child, Hinata. Get out of here."

Shouyou pouts. Atsumu sighs. Atsumu stands his ground.

"Fiiiiiiine," Shouyou caves in, extending the first syllable to appropriately show his reluctance. "But hurry up, I want to try it."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there," Atsumu promises. "Now, come on, go sit down."

Shouyou heads towards the couch, not without complaining, but he wants a slice of pie more than he wants to annoy Atsumu, which is a rare enough occasion to be mentioned. He's surprised by how good it tastes, and he says as much.

"Hey, just because Osamu makes better onigiri than me doesn't mean I have to be bad in the kitchen," Atsumu protests, but he still looks pleased by the compliment.

"I didn't say that," Shouyou replies. "But I've just never heard you talk much about cooking."

"Osamu's cooking is way better than mine," he shrugs. "But I'm clearly the superior baker. I like making cakes and pies, cookies, all that stuff. Coach would murder me though, it's not exactly good in an athlete's diet, y'know."

Shouyou glances down at his plate. Yeah, he's right. He doesn’t have to worry about that, now.

“Ah, shit, wait,” Atsumu rushes to speak up again. “I didn’t- mean it like that.”

“I know,” Shouyou smiles a little when he looks at Atsumu again. “It’s fine.”

“No,” he exhales, visibly frustrated. “I’m sorry. I was trying to cheer you up and I just- I’m sorry.”

“Atsumu,” Shouyou insists, reaching over the table to flick him on the forehead to make him pay attention to him. “I said it’s fine. I’m not so fragile that I’m going to break at the first mention of volleyball,” he says like he didn’t figure that out for himself about ten seconds ago.

“You’re right,” there’s the slightest hint of pink on Atsumu’s cheeks. “Sorry.”

“I will forgive you if you give me another slice of pie,” Shouyou announces, handing him his plate.

Atsumu seems happy enough to comply.

Shouyou feels a little bit more like a human being after that. 

He’s hanging in there again, both hands holding on this time. That's progress, probably. 

There's still a question on his mind when he's hanging out with Kenma, though. He's not playing today, just watching Kenma speedrun through a game like he's done it a hundred times - to be fair, knowing him, that isn't unlikely - and he finally asks about it. 

"Hey, Kenma." He pauses. "Do you think I've gotten boring?" 

That has the merit of making him take his eyes off the screen for more than a second and a half. He looks at Shouyou like that's the dumbest thing he’s heard him say in all the years they’ve known each other.

“Shouyou. I don’t think you could be boring if you tried.”

Shouyou couldn’t tell why this means so much to him, but it does. Kenma only ever says what he thinks, and maybe he appreciates being able to know he means it and it isn’t just coming from a place of pity or sympathy.

"Where did that come from?" Kenma asks. 

Shouyou shrugs. He says there's no reason in particular. It isn't a lie. Kenma hands him the controller. Shouyou's smile doesn't last very long because he almost instantly dies and Kenma sniggers at the string of complaints he lets out, before letting him have another go at it. 

Later, when he gets home, Shouyou calls Daichi. 

"Could I talk to you, when you have time?" he asks. "About volleyball." 

They meet at a café the next Saturday, and Shouyou spends an embarrassingly long time talking about anything else than what they came here for. Daichi is kind enough to entertain it, until Shouyou finally looks up from his cup of tea and decides to stop being a coward. 

"This whole thing," he starts. He hesitates. Daichi nods in encouragement. "I just- I feel like I should be stronger than this. I mean, it's not like I never ran into any setbacks while I was playing, right? It never stopped me for long. But now, I'm just…" he gestures vaguely with his hand as he trails off. 

He’s not sure how to say what he wants to say.

"It's a totally different thing, though, isn't it?" Daichi says. "You always kept going because you wanted to keep playing more than anything else, right?" Shouyou nods. "But right now, you don't have that. Volleyball is the thing that always pushed you forward no matter what, so now that you know you can't play it at a professional level anymore, of course it's hard. You can't really project yourself into the future I guess?"

Shouyou nods again, vaguely frustrated. Daichi pointed out all it took him over two months to figure out himself. Maybe Atsumu was right, maybe he should have reached out sooner. 

"It's just, you know. That was the one thing I worked towards for all these years and I finally… I finally got there, you know ? Being in the Black Jackals with everyone was great, and it felt like I could finally do everything I wanted to. And suddenly it's just all gone. So now, I just… I know I'm supposed to get over it and move on, because I'm not 16, I'm not a kid anymore, but I… I don't think I know where to go from here."

He states into his cup of tea, that he feels going cold in his hands. He's thankful that Daichi let him say all that. It feels good to finally put words on it, and exteriorise it. Atsumu really was right. Damn him. 

"I don't think anyone is expecting you to just get over it and move on like you said," Daichi says. "And if they are, then I think they're wrong. It's fine that you still need time to figure things out, it's not something you could have predicted - and knowing you, you probably didn't even imagine the possibility," he adds, and Shouyou grimaces. Of course he didn't. Daichi laughs briefly. "Thought so. But there's no rush for you to decide anything right now, you know? You have all the time you need. And we're all right behind you." 

"Thank you," Shouyou smiles, and it's been a little while since it felt this sincere. 

Daichi smiles back and pats him on the shoulder and Shouyou feels like he's in his first year of high-school again, and Daichi is still has much of an older brother figure as he was back then. It's more comforting that he'd realized. 

Shouyou decides he's played the coward for long enough, it's time to make a move in a new direction. 

He'll have to text Bokuto later. 

Sneaking into a Black Jackals' practice session wasn't as hard as he would have thought, but that was probably helped by Bokuto agreeing to discreetly give him a hand - Shouyou promised to get him cake if he did, which proved to be a surprisingly effective technique. Although to be completely fair, he did also ask the coach and the captain if that would be okay, he didn't want to bother them too much either. He even got the coach's green light to bring cake for everyone as long as they weren't unreasonably unhealthy. 

It had been a pain to keep this from Atsumu, though. Shouyou is pretty sure they're hanging out more now than they did when they had practice together - not that he's complaining. But he had a surprise to prepare and Atsumu tends to stick his nose where it doesn't belong before Shouyou has a chance to kick him out. But he got there in the end, somehow. 

Sakusa is the first one to see him when he pokes his head through the door to check that they're not busy, and he waves at him. The first thing he does when he gets to Shouyou's level is to apologize, which is already weird and unexpected, and then he says he's been told before that he isn't of much help to comfort people and tends to make things worse sometimes so he thought it'd be best to give Hinata some space instead. Now it clicks in Shouyou's head, who makes a point of crossing his arms and puffing his chest when he says that's all nonsense and whoever said that is an idiot and a coward, but it's nice to see him again. 

Bokuto is looking very pleased with himself in the corner. Shouyou knew asking him for help was a good idea. 

Atsumu's next to him right behind Sakusa, asking about a hundred and seventy three times if he's okay, and Shouyou's smile is brighter than it has been in a while now when he says that, yeah, he's alright. And he means it.

Atsumu looks at the floor like he wants to lie down and melt into it. 

Shouyou takes that as his cue to pull out the lemon blueberry poundcake from his bag, proudly announcing that it's about as healthy as cake can be  _ and _ that they all have permission to eat all of it. He doesn't have to say it twice. He grabs Atsumu and hands him a slice of invisible apple cake, saying that it's only fair he shows him his own recipe after Atsumu made him apple pie. And he has to get rid of all the apples he gave him before they go bad. 

Atsumu looks like his brain is a computer that just blue screened. Sakusa hits him over the head with his hand in a paper towel as he walks past, effectively rebooting it. Atsumu looks like he just silently swore vengeance against him and his entire family. All is well. 

Shouyou missed this, he thinks as he watches Bokuto shove more cake into his mouth than should be humanly possible. He leans against the wall, the weather is making his knee hurt more despite the brace, and he's still too stubborn to use the cane. Ennoshita would murder him, but he hasn't told him, so he's safe for now. He sees Sakusa eating the cake he was extra careful in making and packaging, according to the guidelines he had given him a while back, to make sure it would be okay for him. That makes him smile again. 

He really did miss this. 

"Thank you for getting the cake recipe from mum, by the way," he says, holding the phone between his ear and his shoulder to adjust his brace. 

It tends to make his leg itchy, but when he remembers the hell that was the cast, he doesn’t mind all that much.

"Sure," Natsu's voice sounds curious. "You never did tell me why you wanted that one in particular, I had to look through this super old book to find it, you know. I don’t think mum ever took it out of that box since grandma left it with us."

She's terrifyingly inquisitive when she wants to be. 

"I just wanted to bake something for the guys when I crashed their practice," he shrugs before realizing that she can't see him and feeling a little stupid, "but Atsumu made me apple pie the other day and he keeps bringing me a damn ton of apples for some reason so, y'know. Had to take my revenge. I can't let him win against me on apple cakes." 

"Shouyou," she says. Ah. He knows this tone of voice. He's in trouble. "Shouyou, you like him, don't you?" 

She's terrifyingly intuitive. 

"Why would you think that?" 

"Because your voice changed when you said his name," she states like it's obvious and he vaguely wants to hang up and crawl under the couch. "So. Spill it." 

Shouyou sighs and gives up, and he tells her. Yes, he likes him, it's been a while now, since way before the accident. He thought it'd drive them apart for all sorts of reasons but Atsumu kind of forced himself back into his life, and now he won't leave. Not that Shouyou minds at all, he makes things so much easier, just being there for him or calling him out on his bullshit when it's needed. It's making him want to feel normal again and actually  _ act _ on making it happen in whatever way he can, which is a vast improvement from just a few weeks ago. Shouyou couldn't be more grateful, or more in love. 

"He sounds like a good guy," Natsu says when he's done rambling. "You should bring him with you next time you visit, I'm curious of what he's like now." 

"Natsu," Shouyou thinks maybe he has made a mistake. "You do get it's not like that, right? It's not- He's-" 

"That just means you have to sort your shit out, doesn't it? Do your best, I'm sure you can do it. I have to go, I'll call you tomorrow!" 

"Natsu, language-" is all he has time to say before she hangs up. 

She's a nightmare. Maybe he shouldn't have told her, but he always ends up doing it anyways. And he feels like his brain might have exploded if he didn't talk about Atsumu to  _ someone _ . Ah, well. It'll be fine. 

He does need to visit them soon, though. Natsu’s birthday is coming up. And he would like to use the chance to see coach Ukai too, if he can. But inviting Atsumu is not part of his plans, for multiple reasons, one of them being that he's slightly afraid of what his sister could do or say. Just the thought of all the obvious hints she would drop to embarrass him sends shivers down his spine. Yeah, he can do without all of that. 

He’s going to have to do something about Atsumu, though. Not that he minds pining after the guy, but maybe it's time to move on after all this time. 

He's not exactly sure why he went to Kuroo for advice, but he should have known he would make fun of him when he explained the situation. Shouyou threatens to tell Kenma he's being mean. Kuroo stops making fun of him. 

"Sorry, it's just… I mean, it's not exactly a surprise, y'know." 

Shouyou blows air from his nose. "Look, I was expecting that, but you didn't have to say it like that." Kuroo looks like he's about to laugh again before he remembers he isn't supposed to. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do," Shouyou whines. "Feelings are annoying." 

Kuroo gives him a sympathetic smile. "You're thinking too much about it. Get out of your head a little. It's no use racking your brains about it if you're not going to do anything anyways." 

"This is the worst advice you've given me so far." 

Kuroo sniggers like it's stronger than him. 

"It's the truth, and you know it. You can't ask for my advice and then decide you don't like it. Just go with the flow and see what feels right."

It's not like it's the first time Shouyou has been in love. It's just the first time he's had so much to deal with on top of it. And Atsumu is more unpredictable than he can get used to, but it isn't exactly a bad thing. He's just painfully aware that if he's stuck to the ground, Atsumu is far from being done flying. More than anything else, he doesn't want to be the one tying him down. 

"You know what I hate most about all of this?" Shouyou asks.

Atsumu is sitting on the floor in front of the sofa, because that's what he does every time he comes over, and he's probably spending more time at Shouyou's than at his own flat at this point. Shouyou did offer to meet up someplace else if he wanted, but he shrugged and said he didn't want to tire him out if he didn't have to. And he liked coming down to Shimokita. Shouyou didn't insist further.

"About what?" Atsumu says. Shouyou kicks him in the thigh. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. What is it?"

"It didn't even happen on the court," he says and Atsumu looks up at him. "I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I think I might have handled it better if I didn't just fall from my damn bike."

Atsumu's eyes are on him for a second longer before he speaks.

"You're going back next week, right? Are you nervous?" 

"For my sister's birthday, yes. And, yeah," he doesn't even consider lying. "I wanted to go and see my high-school coach while I'm there, there's something I'd like to talk to him about, but I'm just..."

"Worried it'll bring back memories?" Atsumu finishes for him when he trails off. "I could go with you."

Shouyou thinks his eyes are going to throw themselves out of his skull. 

"Wh- Wait, why?" 

"Why not?" Atsumu shrugs again. "Maybe I'm curious to see where you grew up. And I always thought your coach was pretty cool, back then. Unless you don't want me to go."

"No, no," Shouyou says quickly. "I mean, yeah, that'd be great, I was just, you know. Wondering. But I'd love to show you around."

Atsumu flashes him a grin that would have him weak in the knees if he wasn't sitting down.

"That's settled then! Can you text me the details later? I'll forget. Oh, won't your sister mind if it's her birthday? I don't want to impose."

"How thoughtful of you," Shouyou teases, and Atsumu sticks his tongue at him. "She won't mind, trust me."

Atsumu gives him a curious look but doesn't say anything. Natsu is going to have a field day with this, Shouyou thinks. He's looking forward to it, but he's also just a little scared. 

The train journey back home seems to go by quicker with Atsumu here with him. They catch the bus at the train station and Atsumu looks infinitely endeared by everything he sees. Shouyou is pretty sure he's going to be the end of him someday. 

"You know," Atsumu says when they step out of the bus. "I knew Karasuno was kind of in the middle of nowhere but I didn't think it was that lost. I don’t think I’ve ever been that far up north." 

"You haven't seen anything yet," Shouyou laughs a little. "Karasuno's in the next town, behind the mountain. I'd have to bike there and back every day, but there was no other school I would have gone to." 

"You really liked it that much, huh?" Atsumu smiles. "Was it worth it?" 

"More than worth it," Shouyou grins back at him. "I don't know what else I would have done." 

Then again, maybe he wouldn't be in the situation he's in right now if things had been different back then. He wonders if things would have turned out better in some way if he'd made a different choice along the way. Atsumu must've caught on to his train of thoughts because he flicks him on the side of the head. 

"Don't get all reflective and gloomy on me," he says when Shouyou looks at him with the most offended expression he can physically make. "What's done is done, it's not like you could change the past even if you wanted to. Don't waste your time on things like that." 

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's get going," he adjusts his bag on his shoulder and begins heading forward. 

They don't have to walk a lot before getting there, but he isn't sure how much longer his knee can hold out for even with the brace, and he'd rather not test it too much. This isn't really the place for that. 

Natsu is the one to open the door, and she looks absolutely thrilled to see Atsumu behind him. Shouyou quickly does the introductions and says that Atsumu jumped on the occasion to see coach Ukai before she has a chance to say anything to get him in trouble. 

His mum swipes him in a strong hug the second he walks through the door. She does the same to Atsumu as soon as she lets Shouyou go. Shouyou turns to give him an apologizing smile - his mum didn't tend to be the overly affectionate type when he was younger, but she's gotten a lot softer over the last couple years for reasons unknown to him - but if Atsumu looks surprised at first, he doesn't seem to mind. Huh. He wasn't expecting that. Atsumu really just keeps catching him off-guard.

His mum is gushing to Atsumu about how happy she is to finally meet one of Shouyou’s Tokyo friends when he pays attention to what’s happening again, and he can’t tell if he’s imagining the hint of red on Atsumu’s cheekbones when he smiles and says he’s glad to see where Shouyou grew up. He can’t tell if he’s imagining the warmth in the tip of his ears. He ushers him forward, into the guest room, under the excuse of helping him settle in. 

"Sorry," his laugh is as much of an apology as his words. "She can be… just a little overwhelming sometimes, I should've warned you." 

"Mh, it's fine," Atsumu waves his hand dismissively and puts his bag on the floor. "She kinda reminds me of my grandma. My mum was completely the opposite, but grandma always was the type to shower you with affection. We hated it as teens but, y'know," he shrugs. "It isn't that bad in the end." 

"She sounds nice," Shouyou comments. 

Atsumu hums. "You should come with to visit, sometime." He pauses, halting his movements for a second, two, before rushing to clarify himself. "I mean! As a… a repayment for letting me visit here, y'know! It's hardly fair otherwise, right? Yeah, that's what I meant." 

This is very uncharacteristic of Atsumu. He doesn't usually justify anything he says, because he doesn't feel like he has to. Odd. Somewhere in Shouyou's brain, there's a voice whispering that, if he said that without thinking, then maybe… but Shouyou shakes it off. He doesn't have time for this. 

"Sure," he smiles and Atsumu's shoulders seem to fall in relief. "That sounds lovely. I'll go help with dinner," he adds, walking back towards the door. "Make yourself at home!" 

Natsu gives him a knowing look when he enters the kitchen. He settles on pleading eyes for her to stay quiet, and she reluctantly agrees. Shouyou suspects that it's only because their mum is in the room, and is already swooping down on him to ask about how he's doing. He'll gladly take that over Natsu's questioning of his romantic life. 

The evening goes by about as quietly as he could have expected. Atsumu has already absolutely charmed Shouyou’s mum, to no one's surprise except his own, though that’s also in part because she’s just charmed by anyone who’s nice to her kids - or nice enough to put up with their nonsense, like she says. 

Natsu keeps asking Atsumu increasingly annoying questions because she’s Shouyou’s sister and lives to make his life a nightmare. Shouyou entertains the thought of murdering her in her sleep. Somehow, they all make it through just fine. Shouyou tries to apologize for her later, but Atsumu brushes it off, saying Osamu is a lot worse than she could ever be. 

Shouyou makes sure to be up early enough to be there when Natsu wakes up and smothers her into a hug under the guise of wishing her a happy birthday. He knows she hates it. This is payback. He laughs when she finally gets away and hands her an envelope. 

"Here you go. Happy birthday for real." 

She tears it open and he watches her face light up when she takes out the two postcards with Bokuto's and Sakusa's autographs. 

"I can't believe you got that one," she chirps, holding out Sakusa's autograph. "He's been known for never giving it out."

"He doesn't," Shouyou nods. "But I asked nicely and said it was for your gift."

"What, and that did it?" 

"No," Shouyou laughs again. "Oh no. I promised a whole lot of things I have to deliver on but, everything for my little sister." 

"Stop that," she complains, before breaking into a smile. "Wait, hey, take a picture with me. I'm leaving the postcards here but I still want to impress the volleyball club," she grabs his arm and gently pulls him next to her. 

"You said you didn't play," Atsumu’s voice comes from their right and Shouyou's knee suddenly feels weak when he turns and sees Atsumu's ungelled hair fall in front of his eyes. "But you sure like it a lot." 

"Yeah!" Natsu grins. "I really wouldn't play though, I wouldn't be any good at it. Football’s more fun to play, anyways. But Shouyou got me interested in watching when I was a kid and, here I still am. Oh, would you be in the picture too? Please! Yuu would lose his mind if he saw this." 

"Well in that case, I can't refuse, can I?" Atsumu flashes a smile and moves behind them, his hand coming to rest on Shouyou's shoulder. 

Natsu gives him a look. Shouyou thinks he's ready to crash on the floor. Atsumu's cheeks look awfully red on the screen as Natsu takes the picture. Shouyou is still slightly too distracted by his hair to really notice. 

"Thank you so much!" Natsu whirls around. "I have to run or I'll be late to school now, sorry!" 

"Happy birthday," Atsumu calls out behind her. 

Shouyou heads to the kitchen before his knee definitely gives up on him. 

He tries to convince his mum to let him help out but she adamantly refuses and insists he takes Atsumu visiting around the town before they go see Karasuno and coach Ukai. Shouyou has an inkling that, either Natsu filled her in on the situation, or she caught up with it herself. Shouyou isn't sure he likes any of these options, but he does bring Atsumu along for a walk around the neighborhood. 

Atsumu looks positively delighted. 

Shouyou feels positively screwed.

Atsumu is a lot more excited about all of this that Shouyou expected, almost childlike wonder evident in the widening of his eyes and the way he's looking at everything so intently. It's odd, Shouyou thinks. Not bad, but odd. They don't stick around for too long because they still have to make their way over to Karasuno, and Shouyou takes Atsumu to a small restaurant behind a street corner. The ramen there is still the best he's ever had and he always makes a point to come back here whenever he visits. Atsumu seems to approve. 

They hop on another bus because there is simply no way Shouyou is biking over that mountain anytime soon, and Atsumu asks what feels like a billion questions about everything from when he was in highschool. 

Shouyou doesn't say how much the match Karasuno played against Inarizaki meant to him, but he thinks about it. He's been thinking about it a lot. About the way his world widened as soon as he saw Atsumu pull off that quick with his brother, the confirmation that there  _ were  _ other setters than Kageyama that he could fight with. That he could fly with. 

He walks with Atsumu until they get to the gymnasium. His knee is starting to hurt. It really doesn’t agree with the colder weather. He knocks on the door and sticks his head inside, looking for coach Ukai, but he spots him first.

“Hinata! What are you doing here?”

Shouyou turns to his left to see him walking over to him, wide smile on his face.

“I’m home for a few days, thought paying you a visit was the least I could do. And I’m curious about our current team,” he adds, sneaking a glance to the kids on the court who are just watching them talking.

He catches Ukai looking at Atsumu, still behind him, and quickly makes the introductions even though he doubts that’s needed at all. Ukai invites them in and Atsumu offers to help with practice. Shouyou would be surprised but he knows Atsumu likes showing tricks and showing off, so he just makes him promise to be nice. Atsumu reluctantly agrees and jogs on the court. He’s not exactly dressed appropriately but he can probably move comfortably enough still. Shouyou sits on a bench, Ukai next to him.

He keeps silent for a moment, just watching Atsumu set to spikers and give advice on serves and trying to quiet down the part of him that is so absolutely endeared by it.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” he says eventually. Coach Ukai gives him an inquisitive look. “I was thinking… I was thinking, I don’t want to give up on volleyball.”

He sees the coach frowning. “But you can’t…”

“I can’t play at the same level, no,” Shouyou shakes his head. It’s weird, being able to say it now. “Honestly, Ennoshita doesn’t think I should play again at all, that it’s too risky. I see where he’s coming from, my shoulder doesn’t seem that bad most of the time but I know my knee is still pretty messed up, and it hurts even when I’m not straining. It’s probably best not to risk it, at least for a while. I’m still wrapping my head around it,” he admits with a shrug.

“Knee injuries tend to be pretty bad,” Ukai agrees, crossing his arms on his chest before yelling out some instructions towards the court. “What do you have in mind, then?”

Shouyou looks back in front of him, at Atsumu and the kids with the same hunger in their eyes he had when he was standing where they’re standing now. He remembers how everything felt, new and exciting, the future holding so many promises and possibilities and a certainty - he would continue to play volleyball. He would continue to stand on the court. He would continue to fly. That future has no place for him, now, not anymore. But it’s waiting for the next person to come in with a head full of dreams and expectations. 

“I want to be a coach,” he says, words rolling off his tongue so easily he wonders why it’s taken him so long to figure it out. “I want to help others achieve their dreams and go as far as they want, like you did for us.”

He glances back at coach Ukai to see his reaction and is surprised by the brightness in his grin and in his eyes.

“Nothing you could have said would have made me happier,” he puts a hand on Shouyou’s shoulder. “And I think it’s perfect for you.”

There’s a wave of relief that washes away the tension he didn’t realize he was holding in his back. He hasn’t told anyone else yet, and he’s not sure why. Maybe it’s presumptuous to think he can be as good of a coach as the ones he’s encountered over the years. He’s not sure when he’s started caring.

“It’ll be a change, for sure,” Ukai continues. “And it’s stressful to have a whole team expecting your advice when you’re not on the court, but it’s also easier to notice things. You’re good at observing, and you’ve got good instincts. You’ve seen all types of plays from all types of players. You can figure out the rest as you go along. You’ll be just fine. I can make a few calls for you, if you want.”

“Thank you,” Shouyou smiles. “I really appreciate it.”

The coach brushes it off and says it’s no problem at all, before shifting his attention back towards the team. All of them look so excited to have Atsumu helping out their practice, and Shouyou can’t help but smile a little more. He knows the feeling. Atsumu is a really incredible setter.

One of the kids, probably a first year judging by his attitude with the others, walks towards the bench and stops in front of Shouyou.

“It’s an honour to meet you, sir,” he says, holding tightly onto the bottom of his jacket, and continues before Shouyou can say there really is no need to be so formal. “I’ve watched your matches since the Inter-High of your first year! Your plays are always so amazing, I came to Karasuno because I wanted to train like you did.”

Oh.

There’s ringing in his ears.

“I’m glad,” Shouyou says, words falling from his mouth like someone else is saying them. “Thank you. I’m sure you’ll do great things.”

He’s underwater.

Atsumu must have heard or seen his face, or noticed in some way because he’s next to him before Shouyou realizes, a hand gently wrapped around his wrist and tugging him along as Atsumu says he’s seen someone outside they need to go say hello to, and he doesn’t let go until they’re out of the gymnasium and out of sight.

“Are you okay?” he asks, careful eyes looking at Shouyou, then “Yeah, wrong question. Alright. Come here?”

Shouyou can’t talk, head full of white noise he can’t begin to make sense of. 

He nods. 

He lets Atsumu pull him in, lets the arms around his shoulders ground him into the present, lets the steady heartbeat against him slowly clear up the fog in his brain. 

Lets the tears roll down his cheeks and the breaths catch in his throat, lets sobs claw their way out, so big it feels like they’re going to rip his chest open. 

Lets the hand carding through his hair calm him down.

“See,” Atsumu says in his ear when he’s remembered how to breathe and doesn’t feel like screaming anymore. “See? You got so far. Even if you never stand on a volleyball court again, nothing can take that from you now. And you’re not even done yet. Bet there’s a dozen more kids that were inspired by you, and there will be more. Not as much as me but, y’know, already pretty good.”

Shouyou’s laugh is mixed with a sob, but it’s there. He hits Atsumu’s shoulder.

“You can’t make me cry again,” he complains, voice tight and heavy. “That’s just not fair.”

Atsumu’s laugh is warm and kind, missing the edge that’s usually always there somewhere. “Let’s go back,” he says, stepping away but still taking the opportunity to mess with Shouyou’s hair.

He puts his arm back around Shouyou’s shoulders. Shouyou doesn’t shrug it off. Ukai doesn’t comment on it when they walk back inside, or on the red around his eyes.

They leave after Shouyou promises to call again soon, and neither of them mentions it again on the way back.

He thinks Atsumu looks ridiculously at ease during dinner that evening, but it’s true that Atsumu always looks ready to tackle whatever is thrown at him. He doesn’t envy him, not quite, but he finds it interesting at least. He’s almost sad to be leaving in the morning. It’s a strange picture, seeing him sat across the table from him, between his mum and his sister, but it isn’t a bad one. Atsumu gives him a smile when he sees him looking at him while Natsu talks about her day.

It isn’t a bad one at all.

He’s woken up by a sharp ache in his right leg. It’s more humid here than in Tokyo, and he can tell his knee hates it. He bites his lips and forces himself up and out of bed, and starts on the stretches and exercises Ennosita gave him. 

He’s in the middle of bending his leg as far as it’ll go when it gives out under him, sends him tumbling onto the ground with a dull sound. He just groans, pushes himself into a seated position, and looks up in time to see Atsumu opening the door after knocking.

“You okay in there?”

Shouyou thinks it’s unfair that he could just walk around with ungelled hair like this and he just chooses not to.

“You should wear your hair down more often,” he says, words slipping out before he can think of stopping them.

Despite the time, the faint light coming through the window is enough for him to see the way Atsumu’s cheeks grow darker.

“I, uh, noted, thank you? Did you hit your head or something?”

“No,” Shouyou smiles. “I’m fine. Leg just went stiff, it happens. It’ll get better in a bit. Did you not sleep?”

Atsumu shrugs. “I woke up a little while ago and couldn’t fall back asleep. Here, I’ll help you up,” he stretches out his arms, letting Shouyou lean on him until he’s sat on his bed.

“Thanks.”

“You’re supposed to put warmth on sore muscles, right? I’ll go get a hot towel,” Atsumu turns away.

“It’s fine,” Shouyou tries to say. “It’ll be okay in just a bit, you don’t have to.”

“I don’t mind,” Atsumu flashes him a grin and leaves before he can remember how to react.

Shouyou sits here, and just wonders what is happening to him. Atsumu is back just a few minutes later and carefully wraps the towel around Shouyou’s knee. Shouyou pats the bed next to him to get him to sit down.

“Hey, Atsumu,” he says. Atsumu looks at him. “Why’re you doing all this? I mean, I really appreciate it and all, but, you just never really seemed like that kind of person, before I fell. You’re not the type to get so involved with other people.”

“Y’know, your sister said you could be both very clever and very stupid at the same time,” he glances at him with a smirk. “I’m thinking she might be right.”

“Hey!” Shouyou protests.

Atsumu lets out a brief laugh, before getting very quiet.

“I didn’t know what to do,” he admits, voice so low Shouyou can barely hear him. “I’m not exactly good with all… this. So I went to Kuroo and Bokuto and Akaashi for advice. Akaashi’s the only one to have said anything sensible, by the way, but I think I should’ve seen that one coming.” He smiles. Shouyou smiles too. “Said I just needed to be… there, until you figured out how to ask for help and stop being so damn stubborn. That it’d be easier after.”

“Oh? Well, thank-”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Atsumu interrupts him. Shouyou frowns. “You’ve helped me just as much.”

Shouyou blinks once. Twice.

“Wait, what? What did I do?”

“Y’know,” Atsumu exhales deeply. “I don’t think you realize how impressive you are. You’re, like, an example of mental toughness, you’ve always been. I noticed it in highschool, already,” he looks up at the ceiling. Shouyou is still confused. “Always admired that about you, if I’m honest. You take in the bad news and the setbacks and whatever comes across your way, and you just… spin it around until you can use it to continue going forward. You’re a lot better at that than I am, especially in high-school. Didn’t want to lose to you on that front either, so I always kept going. And you did it again.”

“Atsumu,” Shouyou says. “You saw how I was, right? I was barely human for like, a month? Two?”

“Mh, I know,” Atsumu looks back at him. “That’s why I was worried about you. I know how much it all meant for you. And yeah, it was hard at first, of course it was. But, you know? You bounced back a lot faster than I thought. A lot faster than I would have, I think. You just… got your head back in the game, like ‘oh my dream position as a pro player was taken away? Okay, then what now?’ and all that,” he traces the quotation marks in the air as he speaks. “You’re something special, Shouyou.”

Shouyou decides he needs him to stop talking before his brain explodes. So he stops thinking, grabs onto the collar of his shirt and pulls him in, eyes searching his face for the first sign of discomfort. But Atsumu just smiles and meets him halfway, lips warm against his, so soft that Shouyou feels himself melting into the touch of the hand holding the back of his neck.

Atsumu looks at him with the fondest expression Shouyou has ever seen him when they pull back and he smiles, leaning in to steal another kiss.

“You should go get some sleep,” he says. “We’re leaving pretty early.”

Atsumu makes a face like he’s about to protest but is interrupted by his own yawn. Shouyou laughs.

“Okay, okay, fine, I’m going.” Atsumu flicks him on the forehead with a subtle smile. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight!”

Shouyou unwraps the towel around his knee when the door closes. The pain is almost all gone now, only leaving a faint feeling of discomfort. He’ll have to go see Ennoshita once he’s back. His eyes close as soon as he lies down.

Shouyou's mum makes Atsumu promise he'll come back to visit. Atsumu has an easy and bright grin on his face when he does, and when he says he'll find a way to bribe Osamu for a surprise from Onigiri Miya. Natsu is over the moon. Shouyou says he'll call as soon as he gets home and they leave after one last hug. 

His hand brushes against Atsumu’s on the bus to the station. He lets it. 

Atsumu falls asleep on his shoulder about midway through the train journey home. He lets him. 

Atsumu insists on walking him home even when Shouyou says he doesn't have to, just shrugs and argues he wants to. Shouyou doesn't have anything to say to that. 

The way back is nice, simple and comfortable, almost familiar in the way their footsteps fall together. The sun is already beginning to fall behind the roof of the buildings, strange luminosity that hurts his eyes a little. 

Atsumu says goodbye by placing a kiss on his forehead, quick and light as a breeze, and leaves with the promise that they'll hang out again soon. Shouyou decides he's going to pay for this. 

The owner of the charity shop gives him a curious look as he heads towards the stairs but he just gives her a wave, cheeks burning so much he thinks his skin might catch on fire at any moment, and he climbs the steps as fast as he can. 

He vaguely wants to scream into a pillow. He doesn't. He lets himself fall back on his couch and texts his mum to let her know he's home. He texts Kuroo to tell him that he hates to admit it but his stupid advice worked. Kuroo replies that both Kenma and him are calling him an idiot. Shouyou briefly entertains the idea of making them all pay for making fun of him, but he figures he's earned it this time. He texts Ennoshita to set up an appointment and just looks at the ceiling for a while. 

He knows where he's going now. It's a welcome change. 

“You’re not using your cane, are you?” Ennoshita asks as soon as Shouyou walks into the room.

Shouyou grimaces, but Ennoshita doesn’t really look surprised. “No.”

“Thought so," he sits down in front of him. "But I didn't think you'd listen to me anyways." 

Shouyou's grimace worsens. He feels bad, he really does. Mostly because he knows he was in more pain by his own fault.

"I know, sorry. I'm going to use it now." 

"Yeah? What changed your mind?" 

He stays quiet for a few seconds, mulling it over in his mind. What did change his mind? 

"I don't know," he ends up saying. "But I can't keep making things worse, right? Have to like, move on and all that. Oh, that's what did it," he adds on second thought. 

It's easier to make the right decisions when tomorrow seems more tangible, when the future isn't hidden behind a thick fog that doesn't let him see further than right here, right now. He’s got a plan, now, he has something to work towards. That changes things.

Ennoshita looks at him but doesn't add anything. 

"How have your injuries been, apart from your knee a few days ago?" he asks instead. 

"Okay," Shouyou shrugs. "Shoulder's mostly fine, but I'm not putting anything heavy in it, so. Hurts if I make sudden movements though." 

“Yeah, I warned you against that,” Ennoshita says, fingers coming to feel around the articulation. 

“I know! I’m being careful,” he protests. “I’m not doing it on purpose.”

“I know,” Ennoshita smiles a little. “But keep being careful. And use your damn cane, Hinata, at least when you need it, or I swear I will tape it to your hand so you don’t have a choice.”

“I will! I will. Promised. I said I would, anyways, I’m a man of my word!”

“Sure you are. Get over there, I’m going to take a look at your knee,” Ennoshita motions to the other side of the room without paying further attention to what he’s saying.

Shouyou really means it, though. He’s done finding himself excuses to wallow in self-pity and cling onto dead dreams that no longer have a reason to exist. He’s got new goals to work towards, and they’re just as good to him as the previous ones.

He’s a man of his word, so he’s leaning on his cane when he crashes the MSBY Black Jackals’ practice for the second time (he has the coach’s approval, again, because that really isn’t how he wants to die). Atsumu is the first one to notice him this time when he walks through the door and he walks over to him, and he greets him with lips brushing against his temple and an arm around his shoulder. Atsumu was always a tactile person, but that’s been even more the case since they got together. Shouyou has found he quite likes it.

Bokuto is looking at them from the other side of the court with the most offended expression Shouyou has ever seen him make. Sakusa has the same annoyed look on his face he always has when Atsumu is involved, but the crease in his brows is maybe slightly less pronounced than usual. The rest of the team doesn’t show much signs of surprise. They hadn’t exactly  _ told _ anyone, because Shouyou has been busy, but mostly because Atsumu said he wanted to see everyone’s faces when they would eventually find out. He’s a nightmare. Shouyou couldn’t be more in love with him.

“Ennoshita will be happy you’re using it,” Atsum comments, eyes falling to the cane.

“I don’t think he believes me when I say I do,” Shouyou complains. “Everyone tell him I do actually use it, please, he keeps giving me disapproving looks and it’s just not fair.”

“He would believe you if you had done what you were supposed to from the beginning,” Sakusa says.

Shouyou grimaces, but he can’t exactly protest when he knows Sakusa is right.

“I’ll tell him for you!” Bokuto jumps on the request.

“Thank you!” Shouyou grins. “I knew I could count on you!”

“Always,” Bokuto takes a pose. Shouyou thinks he’s very cool. “You’re still my number one disciple!”

They chat for a little bit longer, but Shouyou doesn’t plan on staying too long and disturb practice too much. He knows they have a match coming up pretty soon.

“Oh, also, I wanted to tell you guys!” he claps his hands together. “Now that I’ve got my shit together again, I decided to be a coach! My old highschool coach is helping me work things out but, yeah.”

Sakusa looks profoundly unimpressed. “Have you only just figured that out? That seemed like the most logical thing you could do since the beginning.”

Atsumu looks like he’s going to say something mean, so Shouyou flicks the hand that is still on his shoulder and tells him to be nice. Atsumu pouts but stays quiet. Sakusa is hardly wrong, as usual.

“Sakusa! There’s no need to be so blunt!” Bokuto protests.

Sakusa shrugs. “Is there a need not to be blunt? I’m just stating the truth.”

Shouyou lets them continue for a minute before saying he should get going. He tells them they’d better win this match and kisses Atsumu on the cheek, and he’s smiling when he walks out of the building.

“That’s a great idea!” Natsu says, voice a little distorted over the phone. “Is that why you came around the other time?”

“I came back for your birthday,” Shouyou objects. “I just thought it would be a waste to pass up the opportunity. Atsumu said he wanted to meet coach Ukai, though.”

“Wait, he said that? And you believed him? You really are hopeless,” she sighs.

“Hey, don’t be mean! I was dealing with a lot of stuff, you know. And it’s not that I didn’t  _ notice _ anything, I just…”

“I know,” Natsu sighs again when he trails off. “Did you talk about it, then?”

Yeah, they did. Shouyou thinks back to yet another evening of Atsumu sprawling on the couch (he’s moved up from the floor to the couch, recently. Shouyou thinks it’s an interesting development), when he offhandedly mentioned he should start paying rent if he’s here more often than in his own flat. It was late enough that Shouyou had said he was worried of tying him down.

“Yeah,” Shouyou says. “He said I was talking nonsense.”

Atsumu had also added that Shouyou himself wasn’t tied down to anything and he doubted he’d be anytime soon, and then had laughed at the embarrassed face he was making. But he keeps this to himself.

“See, what’d I tell you? You’ll be fine.”

“Y’know, you should stop acting like you’re such a wise woman when you just turned 17,” Shouyou shakes his head, forgetting she can’t see him.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. You were worse than me. Anyway! Can you ask your boyfriend if he can give me his autograph next time you both come by? I’m sure Yuu would be glad to buy it from me.”

“No.”

“Why not?” she whines. “Think he’ll say no?”

“Because I know he’ll say yes, and you’re enough as a nightmare as it is,” he sighs. “I’ll ask if you promise to give it to the kid, and not sell it.”

“Fineee, that works. You’re a pain.”

“Happy to help. Also, Atsumu said to tell you that you can just call him by his first name, most people do. Who’s Yuu again?”

“I told you before! He’s in the volleyball club, he’s dating my friend, y’know the one who helps me with football practice sometimes? He’s in my class, but Yuu’s a year below us.”

“Oh, right. I remember.”

He definitely doesn’t.

“Liar,” Natsu laughs. “Is this what it’s like, getting old? Gross.”

“You’re a nightmare,” Shouyou complains again. “I’m going to hang up now.”

“Okay, good, I have homework to do.” Shouyou knows she just shrugged. He hates her. “Bye!”

She hangs up before he can. He looks at his phone screen and swears revenge against her. Part of him knows he can only blame himself for how much she takes after him. Part of him refuses to admit it. The usual.

It feels weird, walking into the gymnasium where the match is held, but he was expecting it. He hasn’t been back in here since the accident after all, and he’s only in the cheering section this time. He watched their other games on TV with Kenma and Kuroo, because he just couldn’t bring himself to be here. But today, he’s here..

He joins Akaashi just in time and sits in the seat he’d saved him just as both teams walk onto the court. He feels the excitement and adrenaline rush through him when he sees his friends get introduced and take position. Akaashi doesn't really say much, but Shouyou sees the way he's watching Bokuto. He has the same expression he had when he was setting for him in high-school. It's funny how some things don't really change, he thinks.

He can't help but get swept up by the rhythm of the game as soon as it starts. He forgot how loud the crowd can get, how the cheers on each side can carry the players on the court further than they'd think it possible. Akaashi makes the occasional comment on the other team's blocking or serves - they have some real nasty ones, but it's Atsumu's turn to serve now, and Shouyou very nearly jumps out of his seat when he scores a jump floater service ace off their captain. His heart feels like it's grown three sizes. Akaashi gives him a smile like he knows exactly how that feels, and Shouyou fully believes he does. 

He gets up during their first time out to go up to the barricade, leaning down to yell out that he's counting on them, and that they'd better win this. Atsumu looks up with a smile and gives him a thumbs up. The other team has four points on them right now, but they have plenty of time to turn it around. Shouyou goes to sit back down.

Both teams have won two sets now, and the MSBY Black Jackals are leading the fifth set by two points. Shouyou thinks he's going to die if he stays here. He never realized the stress of waiting in the stands, and he feels like he didn't appreciate enough everyone who came to see them, in highschool or in his pro matches later. He has a newly found respect for all of them. He stands up and decides he wants to watch from closer so he gets down, getting as close to the court as he can. 

The cheers seem even bigger from here, and he almost feels like they're carrying him as well. He's got chills running down his spine. The nervousness is eating him alive, only growing deeper with every point.

The Black Jackals are at match point. Shouyou's heart is beating so loud that he can barely hear anything else. He's holding onto his cane so tightly his knuckles are starting to hurt, but he's too tense to even think about letting go.

The rally seems to be going on forever. Shouyou thinks he's another dig away from a heart attack. But the Black Jackals get the point and the crowd erupts in cheers, and Shouyou is yelling just as loud as everyone else.

Atsumu spots him and jogs towards him, ignoring the captain asking him to come back, a bright grin on his face. He's going to get in trouble with the coach for this, probably, Shouyou thinks, but Atsumu doesn't seem to care when he pulls Shouyou in for a kiss. Shouyou can feel him smiling against his lips, and he laughs when he steps back. 

“Well played,” he says. “Now get back there before you get your captain in trouble.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Atsumu says, stealing another kiss before he runs back to the others.

Bokuto claps a hand on his back, and the captain hits him over the head. Atsumu’s apology doesn’t seem very genuine, even from a distance, but they appear to let it slide. Shouyou slips through the other people around to get back to Akaashi, who takes him to a more secluded corner while they wait for the team to walk out.

Shouyou’s phone rings with a text from coach Ukai, telling him to contact one of coach Nekomata and the old coach Ukai’s friends, who’s coaching a highschool team nearby and is looking for someone to take his place after he retires. There’s a smile that spreads across his face. He can’t wait to tell the others about this.

He feels like there are wings just waiting to grow out of his back and carry him further.

He can’t wait to see what tomorrow will be made of. 

**Author's Note:**

> good morning/afternoon/evening/night and thank you for reading!  
> This has taken me way longer than anticipated and got Wildly out of hand, and, yes, I did use Hinata to work out my own insecurities about using a cane sometimes, that's just life. I hope you enjoyed it!  
> Please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below and/or come find me on twitter [@transkrpk](https://twitter.com/transkrpk) !
> 
> also, obligatory disclaimer that english isn't my first language so, apologies if a mistake or a few snuck in there, I do try my best to be careful!


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